Big Talk, Small Talk (and Everything in Between): Effective Communication Skills for All Parts of Your Life by Kaye Shola

Author:Kaye, Shola [Kaye, Shola]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Rockridge Press
Published: 2020-10-27T00:00:00+00:00

Listen for the Message Underneath the Words

Wouldn’t it be great if we could say what we mean and mean what we say? But in real life, people tend to use other words to mask the message and hope the listener is able to decipher the true meaning.

Perhaps the speaker is saying something uncomplimentary or controversial and doesn’t want to spell things out. Maybe they are worried about how you will respond to a direct question—you could say no or disagree with their opinion. There may be other reasons people try to engage you in a roundabout way, such as to keep you talking and fill some time or to gauge your temperament in the face of challenging questions or information.

In this situation, you can choose to out the true meaning by saying something like, “Ah, do you mean . . . ?” or you can ignore the hidden meaning and take the comments at face value.

The situation could be as innocent as kids wanting to delay going to bed, so they keep asking you to read stories as a stalling tactic. Or it could be more serious, such as a colleague or relative who wants to make life difficult for you.

For example, your brother’s wife, Pam, always takes issue with the fact that you don’t live closer to your aging parents. You’re grateful to your brother and Pam for helping look after your folks, but you have a family of your own and a job you love, and you’re not prepared to move back to Chicago. Your parents have given you their blessing and want you to be happy. You send money, call them regularly, and visit when you can. But Pam can never let the subject rest. When you’re together at Thanksgiving, she keeps making comments.

“Did your mother tell you she had a fall last week? Well, I’d imagine you’re so busy with that fancy job of yours as sales director that you wouldn’t have had the time to worry about it anyway.” Pam looks at you pointedly. “But luckily I wasn’t far away and was free to help her.”

You had heard about the fall and called your mother immediately, and you also followed up with her doctor. You debate whether to tackle Pam’s comment head-on or let it go. Her accusations are hurtful but familiar. A couple of years ago you might have taken her on, but these days you try not to take the bait.

“Thanks, Pam,” you say. “I’m glad you were there—your help was very much appreciated. Please know that despite the challenges of my job, I’m never too busy for family.” Your conciliatory tone deflates Pam’s argument. She shifts uncomfortably, not wanting to accept your gratitude, then changes the subject to her daughter’s high grades at school.

How you respond to these hidden or partial messages is really up to you. If someone is making a veiled accusation or trying to bait you, you have to decide if you want to take the high road and ignore the negativity, or shine a light on what’s being said and deal with it directly.

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